The Speed Test Lyrics

Broadway production (2002)
Thoroughly Modern Millie the Musical - The Speed Test Lyrics

MR. GRAYDON
Take a letter
To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson’s Floor Wax.
You will find an invoice in the file for the address. “Dear Mr. Hudson,” colon:

MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN
TO MY AWFUL SITUATION
SO I’M WRITING A LETTER
TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX

THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE

MONDAY MORNING
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME

SHOULD HAVE A WARNING
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT
YOUR WAX IS RANCID
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL
THE MONEY WE ADVANCED
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME

YOU’VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE
SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER

How’s my speed, Miss. Dillmount?

MILLIE
A little slow, perhaps.

MR. GRAYDON
Ah!
ENCLOSED YOU’LL FIND A SMALL
CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID

AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU’VE A DOUBT
I’M SURE YOU WOULDN’T WANT ME TO ALERT

THE DAILY PAPERS
WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE

WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER
FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION

THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER
I JUST HOPE IT WON’T REQUIRE US
TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND
IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL
SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON
Now, read that back to me, please.

MILLIE
Certainly. “Dear Mr. Hudson,” colon:
MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN

TO MY AWFUL SITUATION
SO I’M WRITING A LETTER
TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX

THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE

MONDAY MORNING
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME

SHOULD HAVE A WARNING
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT
YOUR WAX IS RANCID,
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL
THE MONEY WE ADVANCED

MR. GRAYDON
Nice.

MILLIE
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME
YOU’VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE
SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER

MR. GRAYDON
Not half bad. Continue please.

MILLIE
ENCLOSED YOU’LL FIND A SMALL
CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID
AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU’VE A DOUBT
I’M SURE YOU WOULDN’T WANT ME TO ALERT
THE DAILY PAPERS

WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE
WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE YO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER

FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION

THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER
I JUST HOPE IT WON’T REQUIRE US

TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND

IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL

SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON

MR. GRAYDON
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

MILLIE
Yes?

MR. GRAYDON
IF I COULD BE SO LUCKY AS TO HAVE
A GOOD STENOGRAPHER
TO KEEP THIS PLACE AS UP-TO-DATE AS HER
SHORT SKIRT AND BOBBED CONFFURE
I WOULDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ‘BOUT OUR

SOURED OFFICE PLANKING
AND COULD CONCENTRATE ON GENERATING

PROFITS RIPE FOR BANKING
THAT IS WHY I’M TESTING YOU WITH THIS
OUTRAGEOUS CORRESPONDENCE
WHICH I DON’T INTEND TO ACTUALLY MAIL

TO THE RESPONDENTS
SO IT YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF MY
UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER
THEN THE JOB IS YOURS AND HUDSON’S
FLOOR WAX REALLY DOESN’T MATTER

MILLIE
HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX DOESN’T MATTER?

MATTER, MATTER

MATTER, MATTER
HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX
DOESN’T MATTER?
MATTER, MATTER
MATTER, MATTER

MR. GRAYDON [In unison]
HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX

DOESN’T MATTER!

MATTER, MATTER
MATTER, MATTER.

HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX
DOESN’T MATTER!

OFFICE WORKERS [In unison]
HUDSON’S FLOOR WAX

DOESN’T MATTER!

MATTER, MATTER
MATTER, MATTER

MR. GRAYDON
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two-minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!

[Millie’s rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers.

She presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.]

Time! “Dear Mr. Hudson,”

MILLIE and OFFICE WORKERS
Colon

MR. GRAYDON
MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION
SO I’M WRITING A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU
ARRIVED HERE MONDAY MORNING
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME
SHOULD HAVE A WARNING
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE ADVANCED
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE
ME YOU’VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE
SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER

MILLIE & OFFICE WORKERS
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER

SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER

SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER!



MR. GRAYDON
Going on.
ENCLOSED YOU’LL FIND A SMALL CONTAINER
OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID
AND
 TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU’VE A DOUBT
I’M SURE YOU WOULDN’T WANT ME
TO ALERT THE DAILY PAPERS

WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE
WAS
 AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER

FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION
THAT
 YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER
I JUST HOPE IT WON’T REQUIRE US

TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND
IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL
SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON

YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!

OFFICE WORKERS
YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!

MILLIE
TELL ME WHERE MY DESK IT

WHERE WE EAT LUNCH
HOW MUCH I’LL BE PAID
AND
 NICE TO MEET YOU
I KNOW WE’LL BE FRIENDS

JUST CALL ME MILLIE GRAYDON

MR. GRAYDON & OFFICE WORKERS
MILLIE GRAYDON?

MILLIE
I mean Dillmount!

MR. GRAYDON & OFFICE WORKERS
MILLIE DILLMOUNT?

MILLIE
Someday Graydon!



MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS
GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT? DILLMOUNT?

GRAYDON? GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT?

MILLIE
Graydon!

MILLIE, MR. GRAYDON & OFFICE WORKERS
AAAAAAAAH!

[Thanks to Darci Faye for lyrics]

Read more: Thoroughly Modern Millie the Musical Lyrics
The Speed Test Lyrics Thoroughly Modern Millie musical