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2023 Off-Broadway
Here We Are the Musical - Waiter’s Song Lyrics
The song is written by Stephen Sondheim.
WAITER:
I am so sorry, Madam
We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
With soy milk
Today
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Fine. Skip the soy
WAITER:
What can I say?
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
I said fine. Regular is f—
WAITER:
That's not the problem, Madam
The problem isn't just the soy
You see
It's more than just the soy
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Yeah, so?
WAITER:
I couldn't be more sorry, madam
But sad to say, the fact is
That not only do we have no soy—
PAUL: (spoken)
Oh, boy
CLAUDIA:
Don't tell me that
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
You have no mocha–
WAITER:
We have no mocha
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Then just a decaf latte, I don't–
WAITER:
We're also out of latte
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
What?
WAITER:
We do expect a little latte later
But we haven't got a lotta latte now
RAFFAEL: (spoken)
You can't be out of lattе
That would mean you're out of milk
WAITER:
Sir, not only are wе out of milk
We're out of cream
We're out of half-and-half
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
The caffe latte without the lat–
WAITER:
We're also out of caf
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Not even de–?
WAITER:
Is that a laugh?
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
All right then, tea
Twining's Earl Grey
Bag on the side
WAITER:
Ah, yes, well
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Don't tell me–
WAITER:
Sir, not only are wе out of milk
We're out of cream
We're out of half-and-half
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
The caffe latte without the lat–
WAITER:
We're also out of caf
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Not even de–?
WAITER:
Is that a laugh?
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
All right then, tea
Twining's Earl Grey
Bag on the side
WAITER:
Ah, yes, well
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Don't tell me–
WAITER:
I am so sorry, Madam
I do apologize
It's unforgivable
I'm so embarrassed
But not only are we out of Earl Grey
We're out of Earl Green
We're out of Earl Red and Blue
And everything in between
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Okay then, Lipton's,
I don't care, whatever–
WAITER:
I apologize profusely, Madam
But we're shit out of tea
Today
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
You've gotta be kidding
WAITER:
Je suis désolé
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Fine. Diet Coke with lem–
WAITER:
Madam, if I may
I forgot to say
By the way
We have no Coke
We have no Sprite
We have no Mountain Dew
No Fresca Lite
And I should add, although I do
Regret it:
If you're thinking beer or wine
Forget it
LEO: (spoken)
Yeah, let's just order
Gimme the abalone omelette,
Runny, extra saffron
WAITER: (spoken)
Excellent choice
MARIANNE: (spoken)
I've changed my mind about manna
I crave huevoth rancheroth
WAITER: (spoken)
A thuperb thelection
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
I'll do the blood pudding
Make it vampiric
WAITER: (spoken)
Nice
RAFFAEL: (spoken)
I will have the curried goat hash
WAITER: (spoken)
Ah, bah, splendid
PAUL: (spoken)
Do I want the Malay duck?
WAITER: (spoken)
It is an unparalleled experience
PAUL: (spoken)
Done
FRITZ: (spoken)
I'm gonna go basic
A cheeseburger, medium
That's California medium
Only pink around the edges
LEO: (spoken)
Just bring the shit, will you?
We're starving!
WAITER: (spoken)
Ah, yes
Well, perhaps I should have mentioned
LEO: (spoken)
What?
WAITER:
I am so sorry, sir, but
We're out of abalone omelettes
Although I have to say they are delicious
And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
But we don't
LEO: (spoken)
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Then make it two hashes,
Only make my goat medium–
WAITER:
Nor have we any hash
Never mind the curried goat
And wait, I made a note
Oh yes, the huevos–
Nada, sorry
Right, who had the duck?
You're out of luck
PAUL: (spoken)
Fuck
WAITER:
As for the, blech, blood pudding
Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway
MARIANNE, PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA,
FRITZ & RAFFAEL: (spoken)
What do you have?
It's false advertising!
I want to talk to a manager!
Let's go to another restaurant
I cannot eat in this condition!
WAITER:
Oh
On behalf of the entire management and staff
And international consortium
That owns and operates the Café Everything
I can't apologize enough
I just may go and kill myself
That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself
I'd rather kill myself
Than have to tell you
We're completely out of food
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
How rude
RAFFAEL: (spoken)
No?
WAITER:
Of any kind
MARIANNE: (spoken)
Well, never mind
WAITER:
I should have given you some warning
But it's been a very busy morning
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Then why the hell did you take our orders?
WAITER: (spoken)
Madam, that's my job
I'll go check on that water
PAUL: (spoken)
I thought he wanted to kill himself
LEO: (spoken)
Café Nada, they oughta call it
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Hey! Could you make that sparkling?
MARIANNE: (spoken)
What in the world was that?
FRITZ: (spoken)
That was a gunshot
CLAUDIA: (spoken)
Because I asked for sparkling?
Why don't we go to Bistro à la Mode?
It's French deconstructivist cuisine
LEO: (spoken)
Well, back to square one
Everybody into the car
Review: Here We Are the Musical Lyrics
Here We Are the Musical Lyrics
SYNOPSIS
The Road 1 (Part 1)
The Road 1 (Part 2)
The Road 1 (Part 3)
Cafe Everything (Toast 1)
Waiter’s Song
The Road 2
Bistro à La Mode (Toast 2)
It Is What It Is
The Road 3
Osteria Zeno (Toast 3)
The Soldier's Dream
The Road 4 (Part 1)
The Road 4 (Part 2)
Oh, Look, Here's the Embassy!
Bishop's Song
End of Act One
Digestion
Shine
Hesitation
Double Duet
Interlude 1: Marianne and the Bear
Interlude 2: Wandering
Interlude 3: Snow
Hesitation (Reprise)
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