A Little Priest Lyrics

2023 West End
Stephen Sondheim's Old Friends - A Little Priest Lyrics

[Maria Friedman:]
Seems a downright shame...
[Michael Ball:]
Shame?
[Maria Friedman:]
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has...
Had...
Has!
Nor it can't be traced...
Bus'ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift!
No?
Seems an awful waste...
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it...

[Michael Ball:] HAH!
[Maria Friedman:]
Good, you got it!
Take, for instance,
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus'ness never better using
Only pussycats and toast!
And a pussy's good for maybe six
Or seven at the most!
And I'm sure they can't compare
As far as taste!

[Michael Ball:]
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion
[Maria Friedman:]
Well, it does seem a waste...

[Michael Ball:]
Eminently practical
and yet appropriate as always!
[Maria Friedman:]
It's an idea...

[Michael Ball:]
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years,
I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!

[Maria Friedman:]
Think about it!
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave,
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

[Michael Ball:]
How choice! How rare!

[Michael Ball:]
For what's the sound of the world out there?
[Maria Friedman:]
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?
[Michael Ball:]
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
[Maria Friedman:]
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!
[Michael Ball:]
It's man devouring man, my dear!
[Both:]
And who are we to deny it in here?

[Michael Ball:] (spoken)
These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett,
And desperate measures are called for!
[Maria Friedman:]
Here we are, now!
Hot out of the oven!
[Michael Ball:]
What is that?

[Maria Friedman:]
It's priest. Have a little priest.
[Michael Ball:]
Is it really good?
[Maria Friedman:]
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again,
They don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
[Michael Ball:]
Awful lot of fat.
[Maria Friedman:]
Only where it sat.
[Michael Ball:]
Haven't you got poet,
Or something like that?
[Maria Friedman:]
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

[Michael Ball:] (spoken)
Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
But then again,
Not as bland as curate, either!

[Maria Friedman:]
And good for business,
Too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.
[Michael Ball:]
If it's for a price.
[Maria Friedman:]
Order something else,
Though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
[Michael Ball:]
Anything that's lean.
[Maria Friedman:]
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course,
It tastes of wherever it's been!
[Michael Ball:]
Is that squire, on the fire?
[Maria Friedman:]
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
[Michael Ball:]
Looks thicker, more like vicar!
[Maria Friedman:]
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!

[Both:]
The history of the world, my love
[Maria Friedman:]
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
[Michael Ball:]
Is those below serving those up above!

[Maria Friedman:]
Everybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
[Michael Ball:]
How gratifying for once to know
[Both:]
That those above will serve
Those down below!

[Maria Friedman:] (spoken)
Now let's see, here...
We've got tinker.
[Michael Ball:] Something... pinker.
[Maria Friedman:] Tailor?
[Michael Ball:] Paler.
[Maria Friedman:] Butler?
[Michael Ball:] Subtler.
[Maria Friedman:] Potter?
[Michael Ball:] Hotter.
[Maria Friedman:] Locksmith?

[Michael Ball:]
What is that?
[Maria Friedman:]
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
[Michael Ball:]
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
[Maria Friedman:]
Try the friar, fried, it's drier!
[Michael Ball:]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
[Maria Friedman:]
Then actor, that's compacter!
[Michael Ball:]
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again
When you have JUDGE on the menu!

[Maria Friedman:] (spoken)
Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
But we've got something
You might fancy even better.
[Michael Ball:]
What's that?
[Maria Friedman:]
Executioner!

[Michael Ball:]
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
[Maria Friedman:]
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
[Michael Ball:]
We'll take the customers that we can get!
[Maria Friedman:]
High-born and low, my love!
[Michael Ball:]
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone,
[Both:]
And to anyone At all!

Stephen Sondheim's Old Friends
Company
The Little Things You Do Together
You Could Drive a Person Crazy
Getting Married Today
Hello Little Girl
Send In the Clowns
The Ballad of Sweeney Todd
The Worst Pies in London
My Friends
Pretty Women
A Little Priest
The Ladies Who Lunch
Sunday
Broadway Baby
Everybody Ought to Have a Maid
I'm Still Here
Could I Leave You?
Losing My Mind
Not a Day Goes By
Being Alive
Old Friends