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Broadway production (2013)
A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder the Musical - Lady Hyacinth Abroad Lyrics
HYACINTH
If I’m ever to show my face in society again,
I’ve got to find a new cause of my own and quickly.
Come, come, any ideas?
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville has the old. Lady Sitwell has the blind
HYACINTH
And the fund for sailor’s widows?
ENTOURAGE
That’s the two of them combined
HYACINTH
Nightschool for the nervous?
ENTOURAGE
Lady Beach and Margaret Guest
HYACINTH
Crutches for the crippled?
ENTOURAGE
That was Elsie Ponds’ bequest
HYACINTH
Wayward women
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville
HYACINTH
Who’s behind disfigured men?
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville
HYACINTH
And the deaf… don’t tell me it’s Greville yet again.
Everyone’s got something can’t you see why I’m bereft.
I want to do some good but what the devil’s left?
ENTOURAGE
What the devil’s left?
MONTY NAVARRO
If I may your Ladyship,
One hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days…
HYACINTH
Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite.
Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx.
That’s it! We’ll populate an orphanage in Cairo,
With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile.
To watch a creature grow,
To swaddle it and know the joy of its pathetic little smile
ENTOURAGE
It’s little smile
HYACINTH
The news will travel soon enough to London
ENTOURAGE
To London
HYACINTH
Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim
ENTOURAGE
Huzzah
HYACINTH
The sniping will be stilled, and the empire will be filled,
With homes for bastard children in my name.
All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo.
MONTY NAVARRO
And off she went,
What I failed to tell her was that a violent
uprising against the empire was imminent
and no british citizen was considered safe,
So you can imagine my surprise when
Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed.
HYACINTH
Oh where will my largesse be truly appreciated,
I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned
MONTY NAVARRO
You’ve heard of course of the untouchables in India.
HYACINTH
India. Land of Hindus and Muslims,
Of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and unknowable.
That’s it! We’ll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab.
The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed.
Forgotten and Unblessed
ENTOURAGE
Unblessed
HYACINTH
I’ll take them to my breast
ENTOURAGE
Your Breast
HYACINTH
If Daisy Greville doesn’t get there first.
When we arrive, they’ll hobble out to greet us
ENTOURAGE
Hello there
HYACINTH
Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone
ENTOURAGE
Awww
HYACINTH
And every dilettante, will envy me
and want a colony of lepers of her own,
now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although,
come to think of it what is the point
of helping others unless you let the whole world know,
call the Times of London.
MONTY NAVARRO
And off she went,
I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab
a bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious,
so you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned
to London in record time quite the picture of health.
I don’t suppose you’d be willing
to penetrate the jungle of deepest darkest Africa…
HYACINTH
Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba,
Home of proud warriors that naked torsos rippling in the firelight.
We’ll civilize a village in the jungle
ENTOURAGE
The Jungle
HYACINTH
It can’t take long to learn their mother tongue
ENTOURAGE
Not long then
HYACINTH
The words they have are six and five of them are clicks
ENTOURAGE
Click
HYACINTH
And all of them are different words for dong.
And can’t you see their frightful painted faces
ENTOURAGE
Their faces
HYACINTH
They’ll teach us how to swing from vine to vine
ENTOURAGE
From vine to vine to vine
HYACINTH
It’s Daisy Greville’s loss, she’ll never come across,
A tribe of backward natives worse than mine.
Their may appall us...
But even they are part of God’s design
ENTOURAGE
Awww
HYACINTH
We bid you all goodbye
ENTOURAGE
Goodbye
HYACINTH
Let all of London try, to find a tribe of natives worse than mine.
Charity towards others is divine.
ENTOURAGE
Divine, Divine, Divine, Divine, Charity is Divine.
[Thanks to Sora for lyrics]
[Thanks to Jim in nyc for corrections]
Read more: A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder the Musical Lyrics
Lady Hyacinth Abroad Lyrics A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder lyrics
A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder the Musical Lyrics
SYNOPSIS
A Warning to the Audience
You're a D'Ysquith
I Don't Know What I'd Do
Foolish to Think
A Warning to Monty
I Don't Understand the Poor
Foolish to Think (Reprise)
Poison in My Pocket
Poor Monty
Better With a Man
Inside Out
Lady Hyacinth Abroad
The Last One You'd Expect
Why Are All the D'Ysquith's Dying
Sibella
I've Decided to Marry You
Final Warning
Poison in My Pocket (Reprise)
Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun
Stop! Wait! What?!
That Horrible Woman
Finale
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