Lyrics and Music by Barry Wyner
CALVIN BERGER the Musical - We're The Man! Lyrics
MATT (spoken): My problem is... talking
CALVIN (spoken): Talking? You talk fine...more or less
MATT (spoken): Uh, I'm taking fine now, yeah, but that's only because...
CALVIN (spoken): Because why?
MATT (spoken): Because... because
I don't find you attractive, no offense!
CALVIN (spoken): Woahhh none taken!
MATT: But if I did my words would not be making sense!
CALVIN (spoken): That is so hard to imagine...
With only guys around me, I always talk real good
But when I'm talking to a babe things don't go as they should!
I start a conversation, the blood starts rushing south
And yadda yadda, foot is in my mouth!
CALVIN (spoken): Yeah but a guy with your looks doesn't need to be articulate!
MATT (spoken): Dude, when there's a hot girl around,
I can't even say "artilicate"
I screw up all the grammar, I switch the words around
I burp a lot, and stammer, and I make this wheezing sound...
Soon my tongue stops working, and no more words will come!
At that point I just stand there looking dumb...
CALVIN (spoken): But that's okay, 'cause...
CALVIN: You're the man!
MATT (spoken): I'm not...
CALVIN: I'll tell you why!
MATT (spoken): Why?
A girl can not resist a handsome looking guy!
She will say she needs a man who has a high I.Q
Then she'll settle for a moron if he looks like you
With muscles and a tan
Buddy, face it, you're the man!
MATT (spoken): Yeah, that's easy for you to say!
You don't have a...talking problem
CALVIN (spoken): No...
CALVIN: But don't you think your problems could be worse?
MATT (spoken): How?
CALVIN: Imagine if you had them in reverse!
MATT (spoken): Reverse...huh?
CALVIN (spoken): Check it out:
The thing that I am best at is having lots to say
But when you look like me the girls don't listen anyway!
So I can be poetic, and clever without end
And still they'll only want me as a friend!
MATT (spoken): Dude, don't be modest!
MATT: You're the man!
CALVIN (spoken): I'm serious!
MATT: That's what I've heard!
CALVIN (spoken): Nope
'Cause all the kids here say you're smart but not a nerd!
And if you can give a girl a little food for thought
She will see you as good-looking even if you're not!
CALVIN (spoken): Thanks...
So tell yourself you can!
CALVIN (spoken): I can't!
You've got wit, so you're the man!
CALVIN (spoken): Well, thank you.
But my wit is useless, trapped behind this face! Unless...
MATT (spoken): What?
CALVIN (spoken): If you were my mouthpiece...
I'm sure I could win her over!
For...you. A guy with your looks, and my words?
She won't know what hit her!
BOTH (spoken): Oh yeah!
MATT (spoken): But what doctor could do that type of operation?
CALVIN (spoken): What? No, listen!
CALVIN: Step one, I write a note for you to give her!
MATT: Step one, you write a note for me to give her!
CALVIN: Step two, you ask her out for Saturday night!
MATT: Step two, I ask her out for Saturday night!
CALVIN: Step three, I write the lines that you'll deliver!
MATT: Step three, you write the lines that I'll deliver!
CALVIN: Step four, I teach you how to say them right!
MATT: I'll say them right!
CALVIN: Step five, you ask her out to Johnny Rocket's!
MATT (spoken): Step five? Where?
CALVIN (spoken): It's good
CALVIN: And say all my romantic lines by heart!
MATT: And say all your romantic lines by heart!
CALVIN: By then you'll have her heartstrings in your pocket!
MATT: Something about pockets!
Step six we go home for the funnest part!
CALVIN (spoken): Wait, hang on,
I don't think she's the type of girl that would-
MATT (spoken): Oh, dude! This is brilliant! Ah!
I don't know how to thank you!
You're just.. you're the man!
CALVIN (spoken): No! No, no!
From now on.. we're the man!
MATT (spoken): Huh? Oh!
BOTH: He talks like a professor,
And yet he looks so good!
MATT: If this guy can't impress her,
Then I don't think no one could!
CALVIN: He's handsome as Adonis!
MATT: He speaks with grace and charm!
BOTH: So if he is two people what's the harm?
CALVIN (spoken): Ha!
We're the man! We're the Man!
And we've got ourselves a super genius plan!
If it's true there's strength in numbers,
Then our man is strong
And as long as you don't improvise he can't go wrong!
She'll be his biggest fan!
MATT: Like me and Jackie Chan!
CALVIN (spoken): What?
MATT: Oh, it's like a brand new life has just began!
CALVIN (spoken): Remember, I'm the words guy.
You're the pretty face
CALVIN: Stick to that, and we're the man!
CALVIN (spoken): Here!
MATT (spoken): What is it?
CALVIN (spoken): A love note
MATT (spoken): Ha! Already?
CALVIN (spoken): I...always keep one with me.
Just in case
All you have to do is put this letter in her hand
And you'll have her like a movie, playing on demand!
Cause nothing's hotter than
A smart and handsome man!
MATT: Like me and Jackie Cha-
CALVIN (spoken): Enough with Jackie Chan?
So it's clear (very clear!)
BOTH (spoken): The man!
Other Album Songs: Calvin Berger the Musical Lyrics
We're The Man! lyrics from Calvin Berger the Musical
Calvin Berger the Musical Lyrics
Opening Dream Lyrics
Security Meltdown Lyrics
I Can See Him Now Lyrics
Don'tcha Think? Lyrics
It Just Wasn't Meant to Happen Lyrics
We're The Man! Lyrics
Never Know Lyrics
Saturday Alone Lyrics
More Than Meets The Eye Lyrics
Mr. Potato Head Lyrics
Graduation Day Lyrics
The Fight Lyrics
How Can I Compete With That? Lyrics
Perfect For You Lyrics
Calm, Cool, and Collected Lyrics